Okay I am going to go back a few years for my journal purposes. This is something I have never written down and it should be done. I haven't talked about these things with very many people. I believe now that it is better to embrace your past and move forward knowing that you are doing the best you can do NOW. So please don't feel like you have to continue reading :).
After I had my twins at 21 it took me a year to lose all the weight...a year! I was going to spinning almost everyday(I really miss that, spinning really does KICK your butt! It's AWESOME!) and going to use the elliptical on my off days from spinning. BUT I however did NOT change my lifestyle. I still ate SO BAD and felt down about being a single mom, rather than embrace it and move forward...which I did eventually with help :). I was living at my mother's house in IF town and life was HARD. Anyone who has moved out and then had to move back in with their parents knows that it is NOT easy, especially when you have kids. My mother graciously took me in and helped me through a VERY TOUGH time in my life(so please don't think I'm ungrateful, because I would have been lost without her at the time. I appreciate all that she did for me!), but as I became more confident as a mother of two little girls my own mother wasn't willing to let me "spread my wings" and be the mother I wanted to be. She wanted and needed to have control of how things were done with the girls, so long story short we were at each others throats every single day. It was AWFUL. I KNOW it was hard on everyone involved. So my step father got me and the girlies into a nice little townhouse in IF. I LOVED IT! Yes, it was built in the 70's and had nice orange-ish/brown shag carpet and super old appliances, BUT it was OURS :). It was such an awesome feeling to have my first place with just me and the girls :).
Now I was so happy to have my own place, to be working at Vicki's and to be going to school at BYU-I. But all throughout this I was STRUGGLING with my weight. I had it in my head that no one would want to be with me if I was "fat". To top it off it was a very lonely life after all the chaos subsided and the girlies were down for the night. Sure I enjoyed most of my quiet nights in my living room doing homework or just relaxing lol, but there were many times where it was just too lonely for me to bare. I had a routine that I followed to a "T" every day, and I knew that was the only thing getting me through the days.
Daily Schedule back in 2007
6:00 am wake up, shower, do hair and make up
6:45 am get the girlies up, dressed and fed
7:15am get the girlies off to daycare, which was just down the street
8:00 am be at work for morning meeting or at school for classes depending on the day.
Some days our routine started an hour later because work wasn't until 9:00 am
5:00 pm get off work or out of class
5:30 pm pick girlies up from daycare
5:45 pm start dinner
6:15-30 pm feed girlies
7:00 pm bath, story time(if I had the energy)
7:30-45 pm bedtime for girls.
8:00 pm homework, sitting on couch alone :( or just going to bed.
So, LONG day but every parent knows how that goes right?! Now I enjoyed the chaos very much because I got used to it and it kept my mind off of things like, I'm a single mom living in IF(this fact bothered me the most I guess, although IF does have its moments for me and some special people who are very close to my heart live there), I hate feeling so alone and like I'll never find someone to accept me and my girls and how I was always so tired. Throughout the day I have to admit that I was VERY bad at making sure I took time to eat. I liked things being busy busy so I did not want to pause for food, only for coffee, green tea and energy drinks. I also did not want to eat dinner until I could relax and that was after the girls were in bed. I felt like I had such little time with them that I didn't want to waste any of it by me eating( my thought process was a little warped). By the time the girls went down I realized I needed to get LOTS of homework done so there I sat on the couch with my laptop working hard...while my body was working hard at giving me a HORRIBLE headache. This was a normal occurrence due to my lack of food intake. So I would think about eating, but then thought how unhappy I was still with my weight and how much happier I would be if I didn't eat and weighed less in the morning. So I was excited to go to sleep and couldn't wait to wake up to weigh myself. I had become OBSESSED. I felt like my weight was the key to my happiness and THAT was something I COULD CONTROL. It's not like I never ate, but I ate very little and surprisingly did develop some healthy eating habits along the way. I just wasn't getting enough nutrients and energy drinks are SO BAD for you. I can't tell you how many times my coworkers told me to stop but I never listened...surprise there, NOT. Because I was basically starving my body into losing weight I started to notice things like my nails would break very easily and my hair seemed to fall out in larger quantities and more often. Even though I knew what I was doing was NOT healthy it didn't matter to me because I had lost weight and felt so good about myself. I was so shocked and so happy that I weighed less than I did before I got preggo with the twins.
November 2005 (when I got pregnant with the twins) I was at 128 and November 2007 (when the girls were 16 months old) I was at 119. I look at pictures of myself and I think wow I look skinny but also no muscle tone, just soft and flabby. So moral of my story is: Starving yourself is NOT the answer! Working out, running and EATING is! Fortunately Kevin came back into my life in January 2008 and I felt so HAPPY :). My whole world changed and I loved eating with him(he can eat a lot and stay slim...so jealous lol). We got married in March 2008 and I had gone up to 123 lbs. and then in November 2008 I was 138. So I gained 19 "happy" lbs. from living life and not depriving myself of food anymore. I used to think why on Earth would I gain weight if I'm happy?! I honestly was quite upset at first but it was SO much fun to eat right along with him :). If Kevin hadn't come into my life again I'm not sure where I would be right now. I know I was headed down a bad road and things were most likely going to get worse. Kevin has been such a BLESSING in my life and in a way he saved my life :). He is my ROCK and my soul mate. He supports me in all my new "adventures" even if he may think I'm a little crazy at times lol. I still can't believe how blessed the girls and I are to have such an AMAZING man come and save us from our situation. Yes, we made the best of it, and yes we had hard times after we got married, but we have come such a long way as a family and are CLOSER and STRONGER now then we've ever been. I am grateful for all our struggles and the opportunity we have had to grow from them.
I've really gone on and on but this is something I have always thought about and kept telling myself to write it down. Its hard to face the fact that I had a real problem when I tried so hard to disguise it and lied to myself saying I was "happy". I refer to those days as me just going through the motions. I clung to my routine and if it got messed up I was a wreck. Poor Kevin will tell you how hard it was when we first got married...I had a hard time letting him in and allowing him to help with the girls. I was so used to doing everything on my own and I needed to be in control of that. So like I said we had struggles but we got through them because now I am more than happy to let him do anything and everything :) I welcome it with open arms now lol!
My point from all of this rambling is that it means SO MUCH MORE to me to have lost this weight this time by HARD WORK, DEDICATION and a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I can't believe I still eat so much and LOSE WEIGHT! It literally boggles my mind lol! Well not really anymore but I can't believe I didn't try this a long time ago. I can now say that I am HAPPY WITH MY BODY :). Granted I am not going to stop working on it because this is a lifestyle NOT a diet and yes, I do mess up from time to time...like eating Goldfish Crackers more often than I should lol! I'm far from perfect and I am always trying to work on myself but that's what is so fun about it. I started measuring myself on July 11, 2011 with the first 2 WEEK CHALLENGE and I remeasured myself on September 2, 2011 and was pleasantly surprised! I have never done this before but let me tell you it is SO MUCH FUN to see how many inches you have lost! I recommend everyone do it and just be amazed at the results. It is WAY more fun then stepping on the dreaded scale lol.
Body Measurements and Weight July 11, 2011:
Arms L/R: 12 and 3/4 in.
Calves: 16 in.
Hips and Butt: 41 in.
Chest: 39 in.
Waist: 36 and 1/2 in
Thighs: 24 in.
weight: 152.8 lbs.
Body Measurements and Weight September 2, 2011:
Arms L/R: 11 and 1/2 in.
Calves: 15 in.
Chest: 36 in. (why do we women have to lose it here so quickly lol??)
Waist: 35 in.
Hips and Butt: 39 in.
Thighs:21 and 1/2 in.
Weight: 141.6 lbs.
Today's Weight: 138.6 lbs.
p.s. love my new Hello Kitty shirt, can you tell? lol :)
See you here tomorrow!
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Any advice is more than welcome! I love hearing what I can do to make this journey even more enjoyable :)